Attachment Challenges

young father attempting to tend to infant daughter, computer and cell phoneChallenges to attachment may arise in many family or childcare settings. Sometimes it will be difficult for a child and an adult to attach and bond with one another. Challenges might arise in the case of adoption, divorce, special needs, post-partum depression or for many other reasons. Keep in mind that challenges will not occur in all of these situations, so we will not focus primarily on situations that might be challenges, but rather what can be done to overcome those challenges.

Baby

  • Ignoring Baby’s cries
  • Always waiting to meet his needs
  • Colic and fussiness
  • Not holding and cuddling her
  • Not talking to and playing with him
  • Not allowing her to crawl and explore

Toddler

  • Not giving him any choices
  • Giving too many “Nos”
  • Ignoring her
  • Not responding to him
  • Being overly critical
  • Shaming her
  • Not allowing him to crawl and explore

Preschool

  • Not allowing him to make friends
  • Not encouraging and helping her when she needs it
  • Keeping him too dependent on adults
  • Discouraging her ideas, questions and exploration
  • Not giving him hugs and positive words
  • Constant punishment

Special Needs

  • Adult feelings of guilt or depression
  • Not spending time with the child during hospitalizations and other traumatic times
  • Being unrealistic, such as too positive (“This will all go away”) or too negative (“He can’t hear me, so why should I talk to him?”)

Overcoming Challenges

Young African-American mother hugs her happy two-year-old sonThe consequences of weak attachment in early childhood can be different for each child. With severe emotional neglect in early childhood, the effect can be devastating. Children without touch, stimulation and nurturing may be unable to build relationships for the rest of their lives. Fortunately, few children suffer this degree of severe neglect. More than 80 percent of children form secure and healthy attachments with their mothers. Many others establish a bond with another caregiver. Unfortunately, there are many children who have not formed a secure attachment during infancy and early childhood. Normally, the severity of problems is related to how early in life, how prolonged and how severe the emotional neglect has been. This does not mean that children with these experiences have no hope to develop normal relationships.

There are many things that parents and caregivers can do to make a difference in the lives of children, even when there are challenges to the relationship. Here are some tips to help overcome challenges with children.

Nurture children

Hold, rock, cuddle, engage in gentle physical contact.

Model social skills

Four-year-old caucasian boy holding self-made thank-you cardHelp children learn how to interact with other people by modeling appropriate behavior through your own. Announce what you are doing: “I am going to wash my hands before dinner because…” Children will imitate what they see. Help children understand what is appropriate physical contact (when to hug, how close to stand, when not to pick your nose, etc.).

Listen and talk to children

When you listen to a child, she will talk to you. Practice being there for children and just listening to them. This can be an important time for adults and children to have teachable moments, especially about feelings.

Be patient

Progress is slow. Don’t be hard on yourself, and remember that attachment may take time.

Take care of yourself

Get rest and support. You cannot help a child if you are depressed, angry, overwhelmed or resentful.

Use your resources

Tap into support groups and professionals with experience in attachment problems. Seek help early and aggressively.